The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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