Three words: puerto rican gang bang
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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