i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wish there were birth control emojis
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
how drunk are you?
Several
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
