You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
