hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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