I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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