no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize