please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
