is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
dude. I can hear the air.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
