dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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