I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
