If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
