I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I smell like Dick and happiness
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize