so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Come on in and take your pants off
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