I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
