FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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