Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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