you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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