Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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