just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
