I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize