I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
