she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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