God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
