They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
