She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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