I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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