I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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