you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
