Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
