Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
