my being single is dangerous.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
