No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
