i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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