a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize