all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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