She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
