My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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