hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Everclear isn't food dammit
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
