I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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