I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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