Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
