I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
