Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
