he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
