omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
