The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
