oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I love having hate sex.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
