my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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