Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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