I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
