you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
