Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
