she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
