Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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