Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
