You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
