Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hippo gnu deer
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just want nice things and good sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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