Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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